Divorce as Quicksand

We’re often surprised when long-term religious marriages end in divorce—especially when the couple leads a church. It’s not that faith or decades of partnership make one immune to separation, but we tend to believe they might. These unions appear to be rooted in shared values, spiritual purpose, and enduring commitment. Yet, even these marriages are not impervious to the pressures of modern life.

In an individualistic culture like the United States, the pursuit of personal happiness can be all-consuming. Marital strain often arises when individual fulfillment begins to eclipse shared goals. The rise of women’s empowerment—through education, workforce participation, and movements like #MeToo—has added new dimensions to the concept of marriage. While these gains are vital, they also challenge traditional marital dynamics. One wonders whether the cultural, economic, and social forces of modern America operate like quicksand, slowly pulling at the foundations of all marriages. Is the value of lifelong partnership fading—or simply evolving?

Long marriages, too, can feel like quicksand. The self we know in our twenties is rarely the same as the one we inhabit in our fifties. Couples may grow apart, not out of malice, but through the natural evolution of their individual identities. When differences become irreconcilable, some argue it’s time to move on. Yet, ending a decades-long union is never a simple task. Emotional, legal, financial, parental, communal, and identity-based ties make decoupling daunting. In a culture where celebrity divorces and streamlined legal processes normalize separation, the gravity of divorce can feel diminished. The high-profile split of Bill and Melinda Gates after 27 years of marriage is one example that subtly reinforces this normalization.

Marriage is full of paradoxes. Opposites attract—but they also repel. The same traits that draw people together can later drive them apart. Gendered roles often create a push-pull dynamic: men may focus on work, women on home and parenting. These differences can be complementary or conflicting. Left unmanaged, they become cracks in the foundation—cracks that widen over time. Intentional attention to these differences is essential. Without it, couples risk building separate worlds that feel too distant to bridge.

Social scientists often explain divorce through cost-benefit analysis: when the perceived costs of staying outweigh the benefits, dissolution occurs. These costs—emotional, economic, social—are calculated through individual lenses. As divorce becomes more common and less stigmatized, one of its former deterrents disappears. From a feminist perspective, empowered women are less likely to remain in marriages that benefit men at their expense. In many churches, patriarchal norms persist, but empowered women are increasingly unwilling to tolerate abusive or inequitable behavior.

On a broader social level, divorce can be contagious. Research by McGovern et al. found that divorce spreads through friendship networks. Their study, titled “Breaking Up is Hard to Do Unless Everyone Else is Doing it Too,” revealed that the health of one’s friends’ marriages can influence the durability of one’s own. As they put it:

“Divorce should be understood as a collective phenomenon that extends beyond those directly affected.”

This insight has profound implications for religious communities. When a pastoral couple divorces, the ripple effects extend beyond the church walls into the wider community. Despite pro-family values, divorce rates among evangelicals remain relatively high—perhaps a sign that the contagion is already in motion.

“The wise man builds his house on a rock.” For individuals, divorce represents a seismic shift in social, financial, and legal status. It’s deeply tied to happiness and identity. That’s why intentionality and a pro-marriage stance are essential—not just when trouble arises, but as a preventive strategy. This doesn’t mean avoiding divorce at all costs. It means not taking the survival of marriage for granted.

Divorce can be liberating—especially when a marriage is toxic or abusive. However, creating healthy families, whether they include divorced individuals or not, is a social good worth promoting. Ultimately, the goal is not to preserve marriage for its own sake, but to nurture relationships that are life-giving, equitable, and resilient in the face of change.